Krsnacandra Dasa – Vrndavan:
Once upon a time…
The bed was soft but my body ached all over, I wanted to get up but I knew that today I had already done enough and I needed rest. There was a burning pain in my lower abdomen that seemed to push up inside as if a hot sharp knife was thrusting upward. The nurse had just left after she had changed a bag that hung from my drip stand. I chanted in my head, as it hurt so much to move my jaws, and my mouth was always dry, so what was the use.
Only two weeks ago I was up and about but then I developed a hard dry cough which turned into spitting out blood, for some reason. Crazy hey, for it was midsummer and not a cold or sniffle in sight. Now here I lie still coughing and still bleeding amongst other things, like that stabbing pain in my abdomen.
The doctor came in the other day and pronounced with a grave face and voice that my tests confirmed cancer. I listened to him as he uttered those words of dread but I felt nothing inside. He was obviously wrong and why would he say such things to me? I am a healthy man in the prime of my life. I have hardly, if ever been sick, and never seriously sick. I am a devotee and chant my rounds and do seva everyday. There must be some mistake, a mix up in the blood work I am sure. So many patients, they must make mistakes sometime?
He left saying something to the nurse about my family and friends. I laid my head back down on the pillow and sighed Krsna’s name. The nurse came back in and she was looking worried. She told me that she was sorry for the bad news and that I should really start to fight this death sentence. Those were her exact words ‘death sentence’.
I assumed she was talking about what that doctor came in and told me. But hey I am sure it is only a stomach bug and with some antibiotics it will go away in a day or two.
Three days later and many visits from my father and devotees I was no better. I tried to do what the nurse suggested and some of my friends were bringing in wheatgrass juice and horrible stuff like that to cure me of this terrible thing that was apparently growing inside me. I still did not believe them, but definitely something very bad was happening to me…
After a bad night’s sleep and even worse dreams I felt anger growing inside me. What if the doctors were right! What if it is cancer? What the hell was I going to do and why me! It was all that meat that I ate when I was young! I blame my parents for that! Why did I have such ignorant parents who did not know how to raise a child healthy! Now look at the result!
For some days I lay there with the pain increasing along with my anger. I was sure that this was not my fault but then I remembered my Gurudev saying our suffering is a result of our own past karma. Oh Gurudev please pray to Krsna to cure me of this terrible disease. Please I beg you, you have been sent down by Krsna to liberate us and He will listen to you! Look at me I am so fallen what can I do? I am helpless at your lotus feet, please Gurudev please help me.
I cried and prayed for how long I cannot remember. I also waited. I was sure that the pain would go away now. My Gurudev was in Europe and was travelling, my god brothers had sent word to him but he could not make it right now but he sends his blessings, they read to me.
I decided that I will not fight I will trust in guru and chant as much as I can. The Doctors said it will be mere weeks now before the cancer does its job of destroying my body and mind. Now there was pain and pressure in my chest and breathing was getting difficult. But some medicines were working to help my breathing. There was hope!
Three days later and I knew in my heart that I was dying and there was nothing that I could do. My friends and family were trying to cheer me up but I did not want to see them and so I arranged with the nurses that I was not to be disturbed all day so I could rest. What was the use of seeing anyone at all? They can’t help me. My Gurudev is busy with other devotees more needy than me and I suppose he hardly knows me for I have only been his disciple for two years. But he said he will pray to Krsna.
The pain grew worse and I petitioned my god brothers to urge Maharaja to come for I needed him close and I needed to have his darsana. But they said that he could not come right now but he promised he would come and Krsna had a plan so don’t worry you will be taken care of. They gave me some caranmrtia to sip for I could no longer take solids.
I knew Krishna had a plan but what that plan was no one could tell me. They said be patient and Gurudeva will reveal this to me in time. I wanted to believe them…
One of my god brothers came to me this morning even though he was not supposed to. He was one of the brahmacaris that had preached to me and made me a devotee. He wanted to explain to me that I should not wait for my Guru to come for he was too busy. I refused to believe him for Gurudev promised that he would come.
This god brother kept on telling me that I should take shelter of Srila Prabhupada at this time in my life and that Gurudeva would say the same thing if he was here. He said he had heard Gurudev say the same thing on many other occasions to other devotees.
I tried to tell him that I was convinced that Gurudev would come and that he should not try and disturb me in this way. It grew a bit tense and I really tried hard not to be angry with him for he was a good devotee and had been very kind to me.
The next day the really bad headaches started. They only way I could escape them was if they knocked me out with an injection straight into the intravenous drip. I could feel it in my heart and see it in everyone’s face that it was close.
I prayed and prayed that my gurudev would come but they said that he was trying to make it but he was so busy.
Two days later and I could hardly talk and move as the drugs were so heavy to keep me sedated that I hardly recognised the three devotees who came into my room. They had a letter which they read from. It was from Gurudev.
In the words of the letter Gurudev expressed his deepest sorrow for my situation and even deeper regrets for not being able to be beside me at this time. He expressed his sincere and heartfelt gratitude to the service that I had done and assured me that Krishna knew this as well. He then recommended that I take shelter of Srila Prabhupada at this time in my life as it was Srila Prabhupada that would deliver me…
How was this possible? If Krsna had sent Gurudev to deliver me then why should I now think of Srila Prabhupada? Why was my gurudev asking this of me? I know that Srila Prabhupada is the founder of ISKCON and all that but it was my gurudev all this time that gave me hope to become Krsna conscious and now he is saying that Srila Prabhupada would be the one to deliver me?
I was not sure why he would say this now to me but I think that he is saying this as he cannot be with me and he wants to assure me… but then why, if I can think of Srila Prabhupada, why not gurudev?
I decided to surrender even more to my gurudev for I know in my heart that he will deliver me to Lord Krsna’s lotus feet if I simply gave up my mundane attachment to everything and just surrender onto his lotus feet.
I began chanting my gurudev’s name in my head begging him to deliver me for he was a pure devotee of the lord and he would be merciful to me in this time of my life.
My friend came to me and spoke of the happenings at the Temple as well as how they had spoken with the Hospital management and they had agreed on a few devotees coming into my room to sing some soft bhajans. My heart swelled with love for the devotees for this but at the same time I grew fearful for it meant that my time was very close.
He then asked me if I was able to follow gurudev’s instructions on surrendering to Srila Prabhupada. I told him that I have no relationship with Srila Prabhupada and I only know and love my guru, our guru. He kept on shaking his head as if he knew something different or more than I did. This made anger come into my heart at my friend.
I explained to him further that I was only interested in my gurudev and it was only him that God’s essence flowed through to me and it was only through him that I feel connected to God’s love. I have come to Krsna consciousness through gurudev and that he was my diksa guru and nothing could change this.
He explained that it was our very same gurudev who was instructing me to take shelter of Srila Prabhupada and that it was in my best interest to do so. We argued back and forth on how I did not know Srila Prabhupada so how could this be possible at such a late stage and that I had to stay with my faith even if it was against gurudev’s instruction. Gurudev was very humble and so he deferred to his guru, just as Srila Prabhupada would defer to his guru, Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Maharaja.
My friend tried to pursue this with me more but I could not take it and when he noticed how disturbed I was, and I was disturbed greatly, he backed off.
Soon after the devotees came and began chanting bhajans and it made my mind at peace. But still there was this confusion in my heart. I could not reconcile what gurudev had said about Srila Prabhupada with all that I had believed in to this day. How could this all change?
I fought with my mind and prayed to Krsna to remove any doubt that was creeping in to it about my gurudev. Of course I heard the stories about gurudev having some fall down some years back and rumours of him going outside of ISKCON taking shelter of Narayana Maharaja and a Baba in Radhakunda, but those were claims by envious devotees who hated the spiritual advancement of gurudev. Even if these things did happen how can we, as conditioned souls, understand the activities of such an elevated pure devotee of Lord Krsna?
This was Krsna testing me, I knew. It was also my gurudev testing me to see if I had real faith in him. Clinging onto the lotus feet of my gurudev I let the kirtan take away my pain.
The next day I could barely feel my body, and my mind was cloudy and dull. I could feel death’s hand on me now. This was it I was sure. Fear welled inside my heart and doubts came unbidden into my mind. Through the fog and in the corner of my eyes dark shadows flickered. I fought hard against them while thinking all the time of the lotus feet of my guru…
I barely noticed the devotees and hospital staff as they came and went. I hardly heard the kirtan as my senses were so dull… But I knew that my guru was with me…
The pain grew worse inside my drug induced cocoon. I could feel the cancer ravaging me and the pain like fire eating away at the very tissues of my body, but I was not connected to that pain.
I began to reflect on my life and all that I had done and all that I had not yet done. I thought of the women in my life that I had not married but used to satisfy my lusty desires. I began to think of the money I had spent on drugs and alcohol and how I used them to forget the anger at my parents for their wicked ways and how they had treated me. Images of violence…
For the first time in my life I began to see what a rotten person I had been all of my life! Why was all this anger, shame, desires and frustration still inside my heart? Had I not chanted? Had I not surrendered to my guru? Why are they still there?!
I began to remember all the pain and the suffering that my drunken father had given my mother and me all those years. How is it that he is still alive and she is dead?
I tried to chant but it was so hard to even think of God’s name… The pain in my heart and the pain in my body was so great it threatened to tear my body apart. Had I not learnt anything? Had I not changed?
Then darkness came like a black fog and in that darkness I screamed.
The Disease Model sufficiently describes the above scenario for the hapless victim of the bogus Rubber Stamped Guru’s of FISKCON.
The heretical schism such as the Rubber Stamped Guru system that has been imposed upon our Society has no official sanction from Srila Prabhupada and is therefore a anartha or heresy and unless it is removed it will and is destroying all sense of homeostasis in our Society and inhibiting us as individuals to grow and develop in our spiritual lives.
This is the same as a cancer, if left unchecked, will eventually destroy all organ function where grand system failure will be the final outcome ending in death. The diagnosis is done and the prognosis is written. It is malignant cancer that if not excised from the body of our society will and has metastasized to make the body of our society unviable.
Comparatively speaking there are only approximately 90 odd such malignant cancers in our ISKCON society that comprises tens of thousands of devotees.
There is no other way to save the organism of our society but to excise them from our society. What other way is there? The cells of the individual tumour have differentiated to become grossly distorted and dysfunctional and serve no purpose within the organism except to selfishly consume increasingly more nutrients from the body which will eventually lead to self destruction and go on to infect other healthy cells – if left unchecked.
Chemotherapy in the form of sastra has failed to destroy the destructive tendency of these malignant cells which selfishly desire to act independently of the host body (Srila Prabhupada’s Body ISKCON) and create their own parasitic system with the host body.
These cancer agents or rubber-stamped gurus of ISKCON have infected their disciples with their cancer cells in the form of their impostor positions and their heretical preaching. The more that these individuals are allowed to spread their cancer the more the body of ISKCON will suffer and the spiritual lives of these poor unfortunate victims will be destroyed.
The body of the devotional community lies in apathetic lethargy and is in denial of their imminent death. In fact many of these infected cells continue to mindlessly serve these destructively differentiated cells with nutrients making them swell to enormous size at the expense of serving the healthy cells of the body.
ISKCON is Srila Prabhupada body and it now lies poisoned with this malignant cancer and the only solution is to accept the fact that we have cancer and push through the process of denial which eventually turns into either anger, depression or acceptance – of the disease.
Our society can never die like our corporeal bodies but we have the choice to heal or to allow the disease to ravage this body while we lie in either denial depression, acceptance or in some instances impotent anger.
The only possible solution is to accept the truth of our situation and admit that the main disease that is afflicting our body is the rubberstamped guru franchise business and work diligently to eradicate the infective agents from our Vaisnava society in order to heal and grow.
There is no other way. There is no other way. There is no other way…
Yours in the service of Srila Prabhupada and his Body ISKCON.